ALONE !

There was a time when I was in high school and felt vulnerable due to my relationship with my father. Thinking about that time brings tears to my eyes because I lost my Grandfather and faced challenges in my studies. To be honest, I have never been good at handling pressure, and that was the time I was expected to become a “MAN” and not remain a boy. However, a ruthless question kept haunting me: “Why should I study?”, “Whom do I have to prove anything to?”, “I won’t do anything for these people!” These thoughts never allowed me to study well. Yes, there was motivation, but it was short-lived and not enough to last the entire year, or what you might call “Intrinsic Motivation.”

I WAS BLOODY WRONG!

After losing my Grandfather, I was tormented every day and night until I confronted myself and realised, “Yes, it was my mistake.” The mistake was the existing conflict between my mom and grandpa. As usual, when my grandpa’s health suddenly deteriorated, he was bedridden, but none of us thought the situation was critical. We never knew they would leave us so early. As I told you, there was a constant conflict that never had a Happy Ending. My mom criticised grandpa whenever he behaved poorly or said things that shouldn’t have been said. The day before he left, he lay on the bed, telling my father that he wanted to get out of bed and lie on the ground. My father sensed something was very wrong, but then an unintended, careless remark slipped from my mom’s mouth,

“Still, he wants sympathy, pretending to,” and the worst happened—I echoed the same sentiment.

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Let me wipe my eyes, yes, I'm still weeping as I write, now let’s continue…

The next day, when he was on the ventilator in the hospital, lying on the bed, he called his son (my dad). The only word he managed was his son’s name. He never called me in his final moments, and I regret it. The reason was, I was angry with him 3-4 days before he left us, as he scolded me for my mistake. But as you know, a young mind doesn’t understand the importance of a grandparent, the pain of regret, and the tears for the future.

He is Gone !

The moment I heard the unfortunate news, my ground shook, my eyes filled with tears, and I was confused about what to feel or do. An immense pressure built inside me—questions of what, how, and why. He was everything to me, how could God dare to do that? I can’t even describe the emotions I felt during the sudden loss of my Grandfather. I was left with questions, regrets, and pain. But nothing can be done now; he is gone forever.

Still Dumb !

My studies suffered as those difficult moments were followed by my right hand’s fracture a month and a half later, and then a fracture in my left leg’s toes. Honestly, my 12th standard year was fractured, and it was expected because I was a foolish boy who didn’t understand the importance of studies. I always thought studying would only benefit my parents and not myself as usual having regular disagreements with mama & papa —one of my biggest mistakes.

I’m writing about my past, and it’s been 5 years since the incident happened. I’ve changed a lot, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says because I know I’ve changed—that’s the only truth.

Being Alone is another strength I have discovered on our planet. The thought that “Studies will only benefit my parents” has changed to: “My parents created a man with knowledge and self-sufficient skills, not only to care for himself but also to serve his parents in any situation.”

Today, I’m writing these words, surrounded by books on History, Polity, and Geography, studying and continuing my journey… alone. No one is here to take care of me, not even those close to me. I stand alone with compassion and a learning attitude, preparing to become an officer with a solid understanding of how the world works!

Yes, I’m alone in this fight, and I’m doing it:

• Running
• Studying
• Practicing English
• Writing diaries
• Making notes
• Being alone regularly

As my friend told me, “The pain of regret is worse than the pain of losing sleep.”